For some time, I had a wonderful group of women following this blog and yet, two months ago, (has it really been that long?), I really started struggling emotionally, so I stopped writing until I could pull it back together. My heart has been touched by reading the comments that have been posted. I've also felt completely inadequate to give good counsel when I've been dealing with many of the same emotions. Although, I am incredibly grateful to have provided a place other Pastor's wives to share their struggles and be "real." So, if you're still reading this blog, I am incredibly grateful and would like to update you on my current situation.
Yes, I am still a Pastor's wife and hating it! So much so that I have struggled emotionally and found myself dealing with mild depression since the spring. I am beginning to feel better and have even found some help in natural supplements. I knew the Lord made herbs for more than just for seasoning our food! I've also learned that a good nights sleep is invaluable!
Since January, my husband and I have felt the Lord possibly moving us on, but so far we're still here and holding on. I've been scouring job sites night and day like a crazy woman looking for jobs I think my husband might enjoy doing. He recently interviewed for a job with a para- church ministry and we really thought he was going to be offered it. I've even gone so far as to get our house ready to go on the market, including packing up some things in boxes over the past few weeks. However, today we learned that he is no longer being considered for the position. AHHHHHH!
Talk about depressing - I just began to see a light at the end of the tunnel and boom, the door slams shut!
And this would be terribly depressing to me if it were not for the Scripture that Lord has been dropping into our hearts over the past 6 weeks. Proverbs 3:5&6 has seemed to be a recent theme in the life of my family.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3: 5&6
Through this verse, I've am reminded that the Lord, not me, myself or I, directs my paths. When I invited Him to be Lord of my life at fourteen years old, I surrendered my control in exchange for following Him. And I have never regretted making that decision. TIme and time again I've seen Him prove faithful and trustworthy and yet, since I've been so focused on my misery as a Pastor's wife, it seems I've forgotten all of the incredible times when the Lord moved mightily on my account. In other words, I've been so consumed with the complaints that I've lost sight of the blessings.
And truly one of the greatest blessings of all in the life of a believer is following our God whom we can trust implicitly with every detail of our lives!
I've also come to see that I have a real struggle with surrendering my supposed control to the Lord and I believe that it's rooted not only in a lack of trust but also in great fear and pride. If I really believe with all my heart what Scripture says about God's love for me, then why do I struggle? Why is it I feel I know what is best? Why do I feel I must understand everything about God to trust Him, when I don't understand how the engine of my car works yet I trust it to get me to and from my errands every day?
For me, these two verses in Proverbs are a reminder of a relationship I had with the Lord when I first cried out in repentance and surrendered my life to Him. I am persuaded that the cares of life choke out the simple faith and trust first experienced at conversion. So I pray that you and I will be encouraged to trust in our Lord completely and allow Him, in His way and time, to lead us down the path where He directs. Because of His great love for us, we can indeed trust Him completely. We need to put our flashlights down and allow Him to illuminate our paths.