I recently received a comment requesting that I give an update on how I'm doing today verses how I was feeling in June 2010 when I wrote the post, "I Hate Being A Pastor's Wife". In many ways, I'm doing much better. God continues to prove over and over again how faithful He is in the midst of all the difficulties, trials and struggles of my life as a Pastor's wife. The Lord has removed the feelings of bitterness and anger that I was struggling with at the time I wrote that post. And for that, I'm abundantly grateful.
However, if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that I'm still truly struggling with feeling lonely and feeling like II have nothing else to give. In fact, I haven't posted as much as would have liked to over the past couple of months because my heart is to encourage other Pastor's wives, not to bring them down. And honestly, I've been struggling.
Over the past four years, since we planted a church, I've witnessed my husband go from a fun-loving, life of the party kind of guy, to a man who always seems burdened and I believe is struggling with mild depression. The ebb and flow of Sunday morning attendance combined with all the junk that goes on in the church has affected his feelings of worth and confidence; he regularly refers to himself as a loser and a failure. It breaks my heart. I've also seen my children get less and less time with Daddy and how that's affecting them.
And honestly, I don't know what the answer is. I have prayed and will continue to pray for the Lord to move mightily on my family's behalf. We've pleaded with the Lord to send along some co-laborers to partner alongside of us to help with this work and to fellowship with. He hasn't. Therefore, I conclude that it's not His will at this point in time. Which even though I don't like it, I do trust Him and know His ways are always higher than mine.
As a wife and Mom, I want to protect everyone and make it all better. I want my hubby back to happy and my kids secure and happy and so on and so forth. I want to feel alive again instead of feeling constantly drained. I feel this endeavor has sucked the life out of me and my husband and even out of my children. And there's nothing I can do but to trust in Him who is faithful and has called us to this place.
I'm currently going through a study called "Walking By Faith" by Jennifer Rothschild. It's all about trusting in the Lord; something I wrestle with daily. I know God sees the depths of loneliness many of us feel. I know He understands the weariness and discouragement we face. I know He loves us more than we could even begin to fathom. Yet, I still struggle with surrender. So far, this study is recalling truths that I desperately need to be reminded of and it's challenging me to stay in the Word.
Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon is also proving to be a great encouragement to me this year. He pastored a flock of 20,000 in the 19th Century, led many more to Christ and yet he struggled with depression. His insight, wisdom and relationship with God inspire me daily.
I would love to write a follow up to my original "I Hate Being a Pastor's Wife" post that is filled with all kinds of victory stories and cheerfulness, but for me to do so, it would be all fluff and phony and that's one thing I am not. I believe in being transparent and truthful. I know I'm growing on my journey in Christ. I can see Him subtly moving in my life. I will continue to lay my will at His feet each morning and trust on Him to move on my behalf.
"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say on the Lord!" Psalm 27:14